

This song is super-catchy. And it's totally available on iTunes if you want to buy it. But you don't want to buy it, do you?



But anyway, Gurumin. I’d actually previewed it for PSPGo, a short-lived PSP magazine in the UK, where I’d requested a switch-around: instead of one page on the godawful Xyanide, and half-a-page on Gurumin, how about we move them around? It made no difference to my commission, and I relished the chance to talk about Falcom which, as I pointed out, used to be one of Japan’s tripartite RPG developers. Sure Climax, Sega and Nintendo dabbled in RPGs to varying degrees, at various times, not to mention the plethora of undocumented Japanese computer developers, but for sheer quantity, quality and breakthrough into the console market, Falcom stands alongside Square and Enix. Over the years their relevance has diminished, but from what I’ve heard they seem like a decent company run by good people – they’ve even freely released some of their older games!
“So Pablo, no love for Falcom’s Gurumin?” said I, with a cheeky glare in my eye.
I had loaded it up, feeling re-assured by the accompanying Japanese cry. So far, so good. It then did some stuff games do, which I forget right now, and then at some point there was an awesome animated intro with Japanese theme song. Damn, I can still remember the era when I first heard Japanese theme songs. It was during the Turbo Duo days, warm-happy-safe-warm days.
But there other things which made take pause, to think about. NPCs would say words like “Cool” and “Sedgewick” and “Gin-soaked-balls!” when you performed special moves near them. Well, maybe not the last two, but you get the gist. They talk to themselves. Enemies also talk. There are these dancing puppy-cubes, which look like little cubes with legs, except they behave like puppies and have small hearts floating above their heads, and they talk to each other. Until you attack them, at which point they get upset and their icon-based language changes from hearts to… some other symbols. Then they attack, leaving you with only one option: murdering puppies. Murdering lots of puppies. There are other enemies too, which talk amongst themselves, and you will witness lover’s spats, double-dealings and friendly arguments. Until they attack. But, these enemies aren’t just any enemies, they have a slightly Hayao Miyazaki influence to them, making for some genuinely (visually) impressive fights. The boss fights in particular are great fun. Surely any game which reminds me of Hayao Miyazaki has to be awesome, right?
So, looking at the facts, Gurumin is basically a game where you just break loads of boxes, and it encourages you to do this task faster and more efficiently, in order to be able to break more boxes. Still, the level layouts are cool, right, because this is by Falcom. Right? Well, the levels are stiflingly linear – which makes every journalist who compared this to Zelda a crazy fool (oh wait, I did that, in a preview for another mag… damn). And while being linear, they also repeat. After a couple of hours of playing, the levels are reversed and the box locations remixed to create entirely new levels. Except, they’re not new levels, if you think about it. Take five minutes to do so. Back? Good. But I can forgive Falcom, because maybe they were busy, or doing cool things that Japanese people do, like eat ramen, smoke cigarettes and play Dance Dance Revolution. Maybe they HAD to cut corners with the level design. If you ignore this, it’s not that bad. It’s ok. Well, there’s this whole crappy MacGuffin section where you have to find a mole, to open a gate, to get at more boxes, but after this it’s cool. Actually, I really have no idea, since the clock rang 9 and I knew it was time to meet up with Pablo for our annual pig hunting. The game could wait until afterwards. But even so, my reality was slowly disintegrating.
Congratulations Sega, you've done it:












Digest Vol. 1: Strider and Bionic Commando
Konami Shooters
Castlevania
Sega Arcade Classics
Untold History of Japanese Game Developers Vol. 1